Friday, 25 December 2015

Secret Teacher: there's no Place for Luxury on my Christmas List – All I Need is Pens and Wine Taken from The Guardian

Dear Santa,
I have been a very hard working teacher this year and have only shouted at the children 53 times (OK, so I shouted at Denise McDewey every time I saw her, but she deserved it). I know that at 32 I am a bit old to believe in you, but I do, so here is my Christmas list:
A Victoria Beckham Quincy bag in black
Something sophisticated and grown up; it will be my “power bag”. The students will look up to me, and maybe Mr Cool-Bachelor in the PE department will finally notice me.
Oh no, strike that, the marking will never fit inside. Please could I have two bags for life instead?
A Tiffany Infinity ring in silver and rose gold
Apparently the shape signifies energy and vitality. I’m not sure I can even remember what those are at the moment, but maybe a ring would help.
Actually, maybe cancel that one too. The students aren’t allowed to wear rings and I am fed up with hearing the words: “Well you’re wearing one.” Maybe a pair of simple stud earrings instead.
A new pair of walking boots 
Berghaus boots, please. Leather ones with Vibram soles. I know, I’m a girl of contrasts, but there is nothing like a stomp across the South Downs to clear a harassed teacher’s head.
Wait a minute, two problems there: 1) When did I last have a weekend free to go walking? 2) The headteacher (sorry, I mean “principal”) has cancelled all outdoor education until exam results improve so now I really won’t get chance to get outside.
A Mazda MX5 in Crystal White
I know, this is an expensive one. But my Clio is making funny noises, needs three new tyres and I have to drive with the windows open because the heating is stuck on.
On second thought, an old Land Rover would be better. We’ve been told that any days taken off because of snow this winter will count as unpaid leave.
A Barbour international polarquilt jacket in red
Red is such a dramatic colour. I would love to stand out from the crowd on playground duty. Plus, it would be that little bit defiant.
Actually, that really isn’t a good idea either. Last time I wore a jacket to school Davy Spraggett spat Monster energy drink all over it. Maybe one of those stuff-in-a-bag jobs would be better.
A spa day at The Grand hotel in Brighton
A full body massage I think, and a manicure. Last time I looked at my nails they were all different shapes because I have started biting them again. Plus, I can’t recall the last time I had to do less than three things at once.
Oh no, I have just remembered that Miranda Fairfax works there. I wouldn’t like her to see me in a dressing gown; she once told me that I looked like a constipated duck.
Brad Pitt
Don’t be cheeky, Santa! I can’t possibly tell you what I would like to do with Brad Pitt … but it would involve chocolate and a giant bath. I know, I am blushing too.
Now I am just being silly. What on earth would be the point in having Brad Pitt at home when I don’t get in until 8pm and fall asleep the minute I sit down? Maybe I need Huge Furry-Whittingstale to make me a casserole instead.
Oh Santa, this really isn’t going very well. Who knew that Christmas would be so tricky? Please could you cancel all of the above and consider bringing me the following:
  1. 52 green pens (one for each week of marking).
  2. 52 pink pens (for when management change their minds about the correct colour for marking).
  3. A large box of matches (to prop my eyes open).
  4. A discreet timer (so that I know when my 20-minute lesson observation is nearly over).
  5. A barrel of wine (to help me sleep).
  6. A barrow of coffee (to wake me up).
  7. A cup with a lid (for the coffee, as we aren’t allowed mugs anymore. Plus, I could hide the wine in it).
  8. A year’s union fees (I might be needing them, if I can’t be nice to Denise McDewey).
  9. A hoody with the new school (sorry, I mean college) logo stitched on to it (rumour has it only people who wear these on sports day will go through the upper pay scale next year).
  10. A calendar (one which can cope with a two-week timetable, 40-grade entry dates a year and meeting times that alter daily).
Thank you so much, Santa. I have had the chimney swept (tempting as it was to stuff a student up it, I refrained) and I will leave you a mince pie. Hang on a minute, I won’t have any mince pies this year because our staff party has been cancelled. I will leave you a carrot.
Mrs Teacher xxx
PS Those kisses are just a gesture. Nothing to do with the beard or the sprout habit. I haven’t got time for that sort of thing any more – the mock (sorry, pre-public) exam results are due and I haven’t even started marking the papers yet.

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